alas, fairy tales do NOT come true... how I was dumped down unda
"Too good be true"... yes, my "miraculously serendipitous" love affair of eight months with the man down unda was, indeed, just that. I should have known that anything that felt that good and seemed that wonderful and magical had to have a catch, because in my experience, life just doesn't actually work like that. Apparently I must have done something really awful in a past life that has come back to bite me in the ass in this one where love relationships are involved.
There simply aren't words in the English language that even come close to describing the deep and overwhelming sadness I am feeling right now. My heart is not simply broken - that would be a huge improvement - rather, it is shattered, smashed into tiny bits and smeared on the pavement of my soul like messy road kill. There is a huge jagged hole in my chest where my heart used to be, and I believe the damage to be irreparable. Never again will I allow myself to love a man as I loved G. No, my love is now reserved for my wonderful family and friends and puppy only, as I know at least they will never abuse it. I thank the gods for them, because without my peeps, this life would have no further useful purpose at all.
One of the worst parts of this is that I can't even hate G. On the contrary, I fear I may be doomed to love him forever in some weird way. No one has ever reached into my soul so deeply as he did - I know this because I have never been so willing to "compromise" or make such an effort to make a relationship work as I did with G. I was even prepared to give up my American life and citizenship and leave my loved ones and my business and even my beloved little dog, Mojo for this man - to spend the rest of my life with him in his very remote little corner of the planet. I truly believed that G was my soul mate, for lack of a better term.
G is not a bad person, nor an asshole or a jerk or a cad or any of the other common labels put on men who dump the women that love them. No, unfortunately for both of us, G apparently suffers from a deep and somewhat debilitating depression that prevents him from loving or receiving love at this point in his life. He, too, was visibly emotionally wrecked by all of this and was quite apologetic for hurting me so. He insisted that "it's not you... it's me". While I know he was trying to soften the blow with these words, it had that familiar cliché ring that so many of us recognize as a polite way of saying "you just don't do it for me". So, of course, I feel like the lowest piece of shit on the planet right now - apparently unloveable for reasons I simply don't understand. What more could I have done? I really really don't know, as I had no agenda or ulterior motives or anything other than a deep desire to be with him and do whatever I could to make him as happy as one possibly could.
I knew something was "off" when I first greeted him at the airport in Cairns the day after my own arrival a week ago. Instead of the anticipated warm greeting of a lover after three months apart, he gave me a dry granny peck on the lips (no hug) and said, "hi, how are you?" in a blatently unenthusiastic way. While that came as a bit of a shock, I wrote it off to the possibility that he was just distracted or whatever by... well, whatever, or that perhaps he was just embarrassed to make any public display of affection in front of his sister, a lovely woman who had hosted me the night before and driven me to the airport to fetch him. The next red flag was that G barely even looked at me in the hours and days that followed - a classic sign that "something's up". Finally, there was that conspicuous absence of those three little words... words that he had doled out freely and often from afar via email and phone and video.
After spending the first night in Cairns at the home of his best friend, T, we embarked on a road trip to the Whitsundays for a research mission of sorts to look at sailing catamarans that G had become keenly interested in. You see, he had become severely burned out in his fishing business and had been talking at length with me about selling up and building one of these yachts together so that we could begin a new life cruising and doing high-end couples' charters... one of my dreams, actually, that had seemingly begun to take shape. Our three days in the Whitsundays was actually a lot of fun - we looked at boats, met with the owner of the boat company G was most interested in, planned our future cruising gig and went for a sail with some local people who had just completed building one of these boats. It all seemed wonderful and hopeful and positive and fun and very exciting. Through all this, however, G did slip into moments of brooding and doubt and would become strangely distant. Our return road trip back to Cairns was still filled with lively conversation and sightseeing and laughter, etc., and we ended up at his father's house in the Tablelands where we spent a lovely evening with his dad, J and J's partner in life of many years, R - both just lovely people and wonderful hosts who made me feel entirely welcome. After a very enjoyable evening of excellent food and wine and conversation, G and I retired for the evening in their well-appointed guest room. That's where the bomb was eventually dropped... G finally confessed that he was just not happy in his life and had lost the feeling of being in love with me, despite his desire to feel otherwise.
Wow. Fuck. What???
Needless to say, my entire being was suddenly just crushed like an ant under a boot. We both cried - a lot. I simply couldn't fathom what was happening, despite his attempts to explain his feelings. Frankly, I'm still in a state of shock, tho the reality is slowly setting in, stripping away all remnants of happiness and hopefulness and downright giddiness I had allowed myself to embrace and feel over the past several months. I felt destroyed. I felt as though I was suddenly thrown into a deep, dank, cold, empty well with no possibility of escape. It became painfully obvious that I had to leave - to go back home and attempt to pick up the pieces of a life that suddenly seemed so comparatively bleak... a life without G.
At least G was a gentleman and booked me into a very nice hotel in Cairns, made arrangements with the airlines for my early return and bade me goodbye through many tears. After sobbing hard for awhile, I pulled myself together enough to wander down the waterfront esplanade in Cairns like a zombie... numb, tho riddled with emotional pain and a sense of deep grief. I returned to the hotel and attempted to dull the pain with hi-test Aussie beer, which just made me sick to my stomach. I am now completely empty, as each beer ends up making a harsh exit through my endlessly-vomiting mouth. Food is not even a possibility at this point.
And that's where I remain. Empty. Sick. Alone. Very very very very sad.
I will attempt to sleep now, as I must get up at 4:15 am to make the first leg of my 36 hour journey back to my home and to the people I love who actually love me back. Thank gods for them again.
Whoever said "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is a clueless asshole. It's not better, actually. Love does, indeed, stink.
We are devastated to hear this news. Know that you are loved and missed here and we'll do everything in our power to help you through. I love you. Frank loves you. Seamus, Kali & even Bernie love you.
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Shit shit shit. I wish I could take some of this hurt and shoulder it for you. What we can do is love you (that's so easy) feed you, and celebrate you coming back to us. Please let us know when you return.
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G is missing out. His very human and understandable inability to take a leap of faith and trust someone who could have made him very very happy has left him with a lot less in this world and you, my dear heart, temporarily squashed under the 18-wheeler of life. Your words are brave and you took a risk that could be the Custer's Last Stand of Love, but i'm so so SO VERY happy that you see that we love you like crazy. We took the risk with you, you know. We were ready to lose immediate touch with someone who made us very happy and whom we loved very much for the possibility of her neverending happiness. We were stomped with you, but, to be honest i cried when i read this but partly because i knew you were coming back. Is that so selfish or what? It's usually why we cry anyway, for ourselves. (I'm all faklempt, donchaknow)
And i'm aghast and so so sorry for what has happened, but i can't begin to tell you how much we want you back in our lives.
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Man oh man, was I sad to hear this news from Marshall. I'm even sadder to read your account - heartbreak hurts bad enough when it's local, but flying halfway around the world to receive bad news is really unfair. Know, though, that at the end of your long journey home, you've got the cutest pup in the world waiting to pee on the floor from the sheer excitement of your return. And we are ready and waiting to see you again, okay? Be good to yourself, take care of that heart of yours, and travel safely. You are so, so adored.
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Our Beloved Iowan,
This is a 911 shout out. Hang tuff because you are still a beam of shining light and you are not alone, though you may feel that way. Don't give up!! Don't dim your bright light!!!! This is a time of Resurrection!!!! This could be the greatest test of your strength to date, and This too shall pass as all things must. You have been such an inspiration to Prince and myself for such a long time. Your heart has always been in the right place and lighter than a feather. We have so much love and compassion for you and we know that your heart will be mended and restored and you will rise. . We know that this is difficult this time,
GIVE THANKS AND PRAISE, GIVE THANKS AND PRAISE because WE NEED YOU. (In my darkest moments I have discovered giving thanks and praise would somehow bring me out of the dark place). The spirits are blessing you. We are praying, Praying for you to emerge from this dark moment in time. Praying for your strength.
The LIGHT of God & Goddess Surrounds Me; The LOVE of God & Goddess surrounds me and is in my heart: The POWER of God & Goddess protects me. The PRESENCE of God & Goddess watches over me and Lights my path. No matter how you may feel right now, remember. God doesn't make any junk.
Natalie & Michael
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I am absolutely speechless and humbled and SO SO SO lucky to have such amazing, wonderful people in my life! Thank you all - YOU (y'all) are my rocks and I love you, my friends, more than you could know. How I could ever have even considered leaving you all behind is now totally beyond my comprehension. You, my peeps, are what makes my life not only worth living, but makes me want to be the best I can be... I can never thank you all enough. All the love in my heart goes out to YOU.
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It is with all my best I welcome you home to our fabulous town. Ya goddamn Iowan.
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